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Lets get ugly. Today I’m letting you see a different side of me. A raw, real and emotional Melissa. So please be kind, courteous with your thoughts and comments about this post.
What I’ve been hiding in my emotional junk drawer.
Last night after many hours or frustration the house was finally quiet. It was peaceful, with freshly vacuumed floors. I needed to veg. I needed something mindless, to take away my thoughts and emotions from the days bustle. I decided to watch the latest episode of Modern Family. I was surprised that not only was I mentally effected, I was emotionally touched. What have I been hiding in my “emotional junk drawer”.
Life lately has been really difficult. With the new school semester coming up, a rambunctious toddler, and lots of travelling for the holidays I’ve been stressed as ever. I know- I have a lot to be thankful for. I know. BUT I am also going to be real; I have a lot to be unthankful for. I was taught most of my life its all bout how you perceive things. I remember being taught to define what is real from what is emotional and what is theatrical. I am thankful for this knowledge, but I am also going to allow myself to feel how badly my life is sucking right now.
Motherhood, I logically understood that motherhood would never be what the movies portray it as, or what my mental expectations were. Motherhood is the hardest thing I have ever done. You may be thinking “how dare she not be thankful for her child”. Well I am thankful for Jada, but I am NOT thankful for the terrible two’s where she is learning to communicate through words, tantrums, cries and most of all I am not thankful for her insistence to scream into my ears. Nope, not thankful one bit. I am also NOT thankful for when Jada tries to grab her own poop I am trying to change a diaper one handed, while grabbing more wipes and keeping her wrestled down.
Being a mom and being a college student isn’t what I dreamt it would be. I dreamt of a solid, casual transition between classes and home life. I dreamt that Jada would always go to bed at her “bedtime” and fall asleep so that Kyle and I can do our homework. I never thought it would be difficult to get a healthy meal on the table, let alone only once a day. I never thought I would be jealous of my husband who gets to spend more time on campus in the library. I also never thought I would have to tell a teacher that I missed a test because my child was throwing up on me. Nor did I think the teacher’s response would be that I should have “planned better”. How on earth can I plan or control her puking? That’s silliness.
Marriage has changed me. I no longer worry about taking care of “number 1”. I worry about my little family every hour of the day. I obsess over everyone else being ready for the day, making sure they all have food or that their hair looks perfect. I worry far too much about how everyone else is doing emotionally, physically and mentally. When did taking care of myself become the thing I worry about the least? Who knew I would spend hours at Kohl’s, trying to find the “right” business wear for my husband, or that I would spend hours researching baby foods, how to make them etc. that you couldn’t feed Jada with a pound of sugar on it. I admit, I never thought this is what my life would be.
If you know me well then you already know this- if your new here’s what I thought my life would be like. Remember that I had never planned on staying in Idaho- I never wanted to “find” my spouse at BYU, I wanted to move to a big city and make a name for myself as a cosmetologist. I wanted to be someone who received credit in magazines or on a movie. I thought I was going somewhere “big”. But then I met Kyle, and my prerogative changed. Although my lifestyle changed, the idea of who I am going to become never did. I’ve been holding myself up to the standards I had previously set. I was failing at every single one. I hate the feeling of failing. It’s made me question my value as a mother, as a wife and at my own capabilities. Because I haven’t been cited in a magazine for my work as a MUA or a Cosmetologist I’ve felt like I am a failure. I’ve been holding myself accountable for unrealistic goals.
I lost myself. Completely. I lost myself in loving my husband; I lost myself trying to be a good student. I lost myself trying to be the “perfect” mom. I’ve realized I need to let go of the impossible and unachievable expectations.
What this whole episode reminded me is that I have value. I am worth getting an education; I am worth having a calm collected candor with. I am worth giving myself an ounce of the day to get ready, and not just for a blog photo-shoot. What going through my emotional junk drawer has reminded me that I am more than just being a mother, college student and wife. I have value as just Melissa. I am worth setting myself up for success, whether that means getting a real nights rest, or making sure I eat before dinner, I am worth it. Thanks Modern Family, for the emotional rollercoaster and a great reminder to not lose my identity.
Today I am going to be “just Melissa”. If the vacuuming, dishes, laundry, toy cleanup, dog walking, organizing etc. doesn’t get done I will have succeeded in giving myself a day to reconnect with who I am. To be honest- I’m kind of nervous. I haven’t been just me, in a long time.
What have you been hiding in your emotional junk drawer?